Smears, Shmears: What We Have Learned From the Attacks on Obama

by Zoltan Abraham
March 8, 2008

Satire

In the last few weeks, both the Hillary campaign and the corporate media have gone after Barack Obama with a vengeance. No smear has been too small to hype. So what have we learned from all of this? Let’s take a look.

The Lapel Pin: We have learned that our Constitution demands that presidential candidates wear American flag lapel pins at all times. The failure to do so is punishable by negative media coverage. As teenagers might put it, not wearing the lapel pin is, like, social suicide. In fact, we see that even the Bible tells us that we must wear an American flag lapel pin. Leviticus 40:2 reads: “He who does not wear the lapel pin has committed an abomination, and shall be stoned to death."

Muslim: Being called a Muslim is now an insult. It used to be that at least some Muslims were considered decent human beings. But in recent weeks, it has become clear that all Muslims are evil. If anyone calls you a Muslim, they have deeply insulted you. Kids on the playground are no longer saying: “That’s gay!” They are now saying, “That’s Muslim!”

Folk Costumes: It used to be cool to wear folk costumes. But now being seen in one of them is bad, and showing pictures of someone wearing a folk costume constitutes a smear. That’s too bad, because I have always loved wearing a kilt on St. Patrick’s Day, a kimono on Chinese New Year, and a toga at Octoberfest.

Dark Skin: We have seen an elaborate demonstration that a Hillary attack ad darkened Obama’s skin and stretched his nose. We have seen a rebuttal, and a rebuttal to the rebuttal. But the moral of this debate seems to be that dark skin is bad. The darker your skin (and the wider your nose), the less electable you will become. The main reason, according to this moral, that Obama has been able to transcend racial boundaries in this country is that his dark skin is still fairly light. That’s a pretty sad commentary on our country. Perhaps Obama should get some advice from Michael Jackson on how to become a white Martian.

Monsters and Kenneth Starr: In my (admittedly liberal leaning dictionary), there is a picture of Kenneth Starr under the entry “monster.” But apparently, the two are not the same. When the ill-fated Samantha Power called Hillary a monster (and let’s face it, who among us has not?), Ms. Clinton’s outrage could hardly be contained. Another “shame on you” moment seemed inevitable. On the other hand, the Clinton camp has had no qualms about comparing Barack Obama to Kenneth Starr.

As a Daily Kos user pointed out, Hillary tried to deflect criticism of her seeming double standard by saying that “monster” was a personal attack, and “Kenneth Starr” was merely a historical reference. I see. As others on the Daily Kos have pointed out, we can now call Hillary any historical person, no matter how bad. None of that would constitute a personal attack, but merely a historical reference. I can also call Hillary the monster Grendel from Beowulf. That would not be an ad hominem, but merely a literary reference. I could call her Jezebel, which, again, would not be a personal attack, but merely a biblical reference. But I prefer to call her Lady MacBeth – nothing personal, just another literary reference.

I also wonder, now that Hillary has chosen to bring Kenneth Starr into the fray, can I make jokes like: “Dear Ms. Clinton, are you planning to wear a blue dress to your inauguration?” Is that too horrible? But she started it!

NAFTAGate: Hillary has really been amazing on NAFTA. She has taken credit for it many times, and then, when she faced the angry people of Ohio, who lost their jobs, homes, and dreams due to NAFTA, she quickly said that she had never supporter it. Her campaign latched onto a report that Obama gave backroom assurances to Canada that his attacks on NAFTA should not be taken seriously. Never mind that that report was not true at all, and in fact it is possible that it was the Clinton camp that gave those assurances (though perhaps neither camp did). In any case, Clinton has invoked shame on Obama for pointing out nothing more than her true position on NAFTA over the years. Up is down, black is white, in Ms. Clinton’s Orwellian world. She has learned well from her apparent mentor, Karl Rove. As Darth Vader said: “Impressive, most impressive.”

3:00 AM: As someone has pointed out on the Daily Kos, we have learned that Hillary sleeps in a suit, in full makeup, and wearing pearls, just in case she needs to answer the phone in the middle of the night. Or at the very least, she quickly steps into a White House phone booth, and comes out wearing her Super President outfit. Too bad that the first girl featured in her red phone ad is now almost eighteen, and is actually a strong Obama supporter. In fact, she was a precinct captain for him. She is now hoping that Obama will make a counter ad with her. I say, the sooner the better. As the Beattles said, “Mother Mary, let it be.”

So what can I say? We live in turbulent electoral times. I miss the early days of this country; I miss the tone of our founding fathers. In those times, Benjamin Franklin was accused of passing venereal diseases on to his slaves. I know, that seems like a smear. But they did it with such style!