Smears, Shmears: What We Have Learned From the Attacks on Obama by Zoltan Abraham March 8, 2008 Satire In the last few weeks, both the Hillary campaign and the corporate media have gone after Barack Obama with a vengeance. No smear has been too small to hype. So what have we learned from all of this? Let’s take a look. The Lapel Pin: We have learned that our Constitution demands that presidential candidates wear American flag lapel pins at all times. The failure to do so is punishable by negative media coverage. As teenagers might put it, not wearing the lapel pin is, like, social suicide. In fact, we see that even the Bible tells us that we must wear an American flag lapel pin. Leviticus 40:2 reads: “He who does not wear the lapel pin has committed an abomination, and shall be stoned to death." Muslim: Being called a Muslim is now an insult. It used to be that at least some Muslims were considered decent human beings. But in recent weeks, it has become clear that all Muslims are evil. If anyone calls you a Muslim, they have deeply insulted you. Kids on the playground are no longer saying: “That’s gay!” They are now saying, “That’s Muslim!” More...

Hillary Unveils Unbeatable, Undefeatable, Unassailable Campaign Platform February 20, 2008 Satire After a string of stinging losses to her rival Senator Barack Obama, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton unveiled her final answer to all of her critics in the form of a wholly new, wholly original campaign platform. More...

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Hillary February 15, 2008 Satire Dear Hillary, I have learned to stop worrying and have really come to love you. Yes, you. I couldn’t write this on Valentine’s Day (because I was off at 5th grade science camp), but now that I am back, please consider this a belated Valentine. After almost eight years of Republican rule, you are exactly what I have needed. Why? Let me count the ways! More...

The Idol-Worshipping Pagan for President! November 7, 2007 Christian fundamentalists tend not to like Catholics. Catholics, after all, worship Mary and the saints, not to mention statues and rosaries – all of which are idols. Catholics are not Christian, because they do not believe in the literal truth of the Bible. Nor does it help that Catholics are ruled by the Anti-Christ, a.k.a. the Pope, or the Whore of Babylon. Catholics are bad news, if you are a Christian fundamentalist. However, in the great American culture wars, many Christian fundamentalists have learned to forge a temporary, uneasy alliance with conservative Catholics, since the two camps largely share the same social agenda. Christian fundamentalists are willing to work together with conservative Catholics on issues such as gay marriage or abortion. Admittedly, however, this alliance has its limits, because in the end, Catholics will burn in Hell, but there is no need to mention that in polite conversation. Liberal Catholics, however, are a different matter. Liberal Catholics will burn in Hell both because they are, well, Catholics, but also for a whole range of other reasons. Which brings us to the question of Rudi Giuliani, specifically the news that Pat Robertson, Christian fundamentalist extraordinaire, has endorsed Rudi Giuliani for President. More...

Hannah and the Hannibals October 30, 2007 I must confess, I succumbed to the craze - I took my two daughters to the Hannah Montana concert in Seattle last night. The whole thing was something of a fluke, really. Tickets to The Best of Both Worlds Tour had been selling out literally in minutes, only to be resold online for hugely inflated prices (up to and beyond $1000) by greedy scalpers. The gouging has reached such heights that lawsuits and legal investigations are starting. The climate is ripe for shady ticket dealing, since, at the tender age of fourteen, Miley Cyrus, who plays the characters of Miley Stewart and her alter ego, Hannah Montana, on the Disney Channel, is more popular than any singer since the Beatles.  As the day of the concert arrived, we didn't have tickets, and I was not about to spend a fortune to line a scalper's pockets. Our girls knew that there would be no concert for them this time. More...

The Words I Learned in the Reign of George W. Bush September 8, 2007 As you read this article, you might think that I was pretty green and naïve back in 2000. But Dubya has opened my eyes to many things. Let me list some of the words I learned under his reign: More...

The Dragon Has Come Home to Roost August 5, 2007 From pet food, to toy trains, to tooth paste, to tires, to Big Bird and Dora dolls, news of recalls have been in the headlines in recent months. All of these products have come from China. But don’t just blame the Chinese – blame our corporations. The problems with these products are the direct result of the economic policy employed by our corporations since the 1980’s. The economic policy in question involves the increasing of profit margins not through the raising of prices or the establishment of greater market share, but by the reduction of the true cost of production. What is the true cost of production? More...

I Didn't Want to See SiCKO July 10, 2007 I didn’t want to see SiCKO. My wife suggested it, but I was reluctant. When we got to the parking lot of the movie theater, I didn’t want to get out of the car at first – I needed a little more time to decide. Would I want to spend two hours seeing the horrible things being done to people in our country? I already know the problem. I already know how much better the health care system is in other Western countries. Why depress myself with two hours of horror? My wife suggested going for a walk instead, if I didn’t want to see the movie. But in the end, I decided to give SiCKO a try. More...

Your Driver's License is a Gossip December 26, 2006 On December 24, I bought three bags of socks at a Target store close to Seattle. Okay, you didn't need to know that. But what you might be interested in is that I paid with a check, I was asked for my driver's license, as usual – and then the clerk proceeded to scan the barcode on the back of my driver's license. "I've never seen anyone do that before," I told her. "Yeah, they just started doing this," she replied. "Weird!" I thought. Weird. And creepy. I decided to do a bit of research on all of this. More...

Leave or Kill Everyone: The Only Two Options Left for Us in Iraq December 19, 2006 The official narrative of the Iraq War is that our forces are fighting there in order to defeat global terrorism and to build a shining example of democracy in the Middle East – the sight of which will cause every Muslim to want to embrace our system of government. The truth, however, is that the Iraq War is a case of empire building. We are in that country in order to secure one of the world's largest oil reserves, and to bring under our control a geo-politically significant piece of land. Our military has constructed fourteen permanent military bases in Iraq, with the obvious intention of maintaining a long-term military presence in the region. In fact, the phrase "Iraq War" is now very much a misnomer. We won the war back in 2003, when our soldiers captured Baghdad. We are now in a process of occupation. The question is not whether or not we can win the war, but whether we can continue to occupy Iraq successfully. More...

High Tech Seattle Goes Dark by Zoltan Abraham December 16, 2006 On the night of Thursday, December 14, a ferocious windstorm hit the Pacific Northwest, from Oregon, all the way to Canada, leaving an estimated one million homes without power. Washington State Governor Christine Gregoire declared a state of emergency in seventeen counties. King County, the heart of the greater Seattle area, was especially hard hit by the storm. Homes, businesses, schools, gas stations, you name it, lost electricity, except for a few fortunate pockets, where either the winds did not reach, or the power cables run underground. I myself am still without power. I write this at the home of one of the lucky few. More...

Wrong War, Wrong Place, Wrong Time by Zoltan Abraham December 6, 2006 "The wrong war, at the wrong place, at the wrong time, and with the wrong enemy," said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Omar Bradley famously in 1951, in response to proposals to escalate the Korean War [1]. Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry echoed this phrase during his ill-fated 2004 run, after getting campaign advice from former President Bill Clinton. His rival, President George W. Bush, attacked him bitterly for those words, claiming that Kerry was showing bad leadership and a lack of support for the troops. Whether his repudiation of the invasion and occupation of Iraq as "the wrong war, at the wrong place, at the wrong time" hurt or enhanced Kerry's chances in the 2004 race is hard to tell, because his statement was far too little, far too late. Kerry had run a campaign of fundamental acceptance of the war, with the only objection that the war was not being run well. Incompetence was the problem. Kerry offered to do it better. He did not challenge the larger framework of the invasion and occupation until just weeks before the election, which then left him open to the charge of flip-flopping. Kerry's approach was fundamentally flawed because, throughout most of his campaign, he was operating from within the right-wing frame for the Iraq War. More...

Food Security: The Social Transformation Needed for the Feeding of America November 18, 2006 "Food insecurity." "Food insecure with hunger." "Low food security." "Very low food security." These are the euphemisms that are being bandied about in the United States today to characterize conditions that should simply be described as "hunger" and "starvation." We’re talking about five-year-olds going to bed hungry. We’re talking about kids unable to focus in school, because they have not had anything to eat all day. According to a new study by the US Department of Agriculture, 35 million Americans did not have enough to eat from day to day in 2005. True, this number is down from 38 million in 2004. But the statistics are scandalous. That a single person might go without adequate nourishment in the wealthiest nation on earth is shocking enough. That 35 million are hungry or starving is simply unconscionable. How can this barbaric, inhumane situation be changed? More...

Reconciliation Bush Style: The Middle Finger November 13, 2006   George Bush said that the Republicans took a thumping on November 7th, and he's right -- they did, big time. The word "landslide" comes to mind. Nevertheless, the Democrats went out of their way to be gracious in victory, and there were some signs that the Republicans would finally try to play nice with the D's, given the GOP's sudden fall to minority status. As Nancy Pelosi was having lunch with the President, the media could not get enough of the sweet talk between the two arch-adversaries. Reconciliation. Bipartisanship. Looking to the future, rather than the past. These seemed to be the buzzwords of the moment.   But barely had the lunchtime calories traveled down to the respective political thighs, before Dubya was already showing his true colors again, with his customary style of take-no-prisoners kind of stubbornness. More...

How to Keep Sweeping by Zoltan Abraham November 9, 2006 The Democrats have truly swept the nation, from Congress, to governorships, to local legislative races. Karl Rove has failed. For the first time in twelve years, the conservative machinery could not deliver. The Democrats have two years now to make good on the trust they have been given by the voters. They must not merely relish their sweep - they must continue sweeping; that is to say, undoing the evil brought about the GOP, and building an equitable nation for all. How? Here are my suggestions: More...

Busting My Butt on Election Day November 8, 2006 I must confess that the 2004 election demoralized me deeply. Three election cycles had been stolen by the GOP, with full media collaboration. The Republicans were consolidating their hold on voter fraud, and I was sure that in the next cycle, 2006, they would merely tighten their control of Congress. I started to withdraw from politics and to focus on other attention-worthy aspects of life. As Election Day 2006 was approaching, I feared the worst. But I had the nagging feeling that I should volunteer so that at least I could say that I tried, in my own small way, to oppose the unstoppable Republican juggernaut. So I found myself at the local Democratic headquarters at 7:00am on November 7th. More...

The Iraq War Is Going Just Fine (For the Neocons) September 28, 2005 Liberals keep saying that the Iraq War is a disaster, that the US has already lost. But the reality is that the Iraq War is going just fine. That is to say, fine for the Neocons who have orchestrated it. They are getting exactly what they want from this war. What is that? Let’s take a look. More...

Ethnic Cleansing, American Style September 2, 2005 In the old days of empire building, the conquering race often resorted to genocide. Kill, kill, kill – until the recalcitrant population was eliminated, or reduced to manageable proportions. But such crude tactics are no longer appealing in today’s PR-conscious, TV-image-driven world. Pictures of slaughter tend to disquiet the otherwise sufficiently programmed middle-class consumers. Just look at what happened to the Serbs who engaged in ethnic cleansing. Court dates, the Hague... Not good. No. Today’s empire builders are much more refined when it comes to killing on a large scale. The key, as with any attempt at the perfect crime, is not to appear to be the culprit. The empire builders of our age have, indeed, gotten good at covering their tracks. More...

The Real Reason the Right Hates Harry Potter Satire July 15, 2005 The Harry Potter saga continues, and the anger of the American Right is aroused once more. They hate Harry Potter. But why? More...

The Batterer's Revenge July 9, 2005 Last November I wrote an article called “Domestic Violence and Our National Policy,” in which I drew a point-by-point comparison between the traits of a wife-batterer and the behavior of the Bush administration. If we look at recent political events in light of this comparison, we will see that the United States, indeed the entire planet, is in greater danger right now than ever before. More...

No French Kissing on the Fourth July 4, 2005 The Fourth is here, which means that French kissing is out, at least for today. Couples should Freedom-kiss instead. Or, to be more accurate, we should be kissing our freedoms good-bye. In 1776, a bunch of wealthy white guys got together to tell King George III to take a hike because he was trampling on their rights. On July 4th, they published the Declaration of Independence, in which they listed the ways in which the King had violated human rights. Eventually, after a bloody war (and significant assistance from the French), the Declaration of Independence led to the creation of the United States – a country whose Constitution shows a profound commitment to upholding the rights of all people (well, only white males at first, but in time the definition of human was expanded to include minorities, and even women). Perhaps we should be concerned when we find that our own government today is perpetrating some of the same abuses that the writers of the Declaration of Independence had ascribed to King George. More...

The Bush Fish May 12, 2005 I thought I was unshockable by now. But no. The Bush Fish has shocked me. The Bush Fish, as you might guess, is a bumper sticker with the word Bush written inside the fish. Above are the words “One nation,” and below, “under God.” As a Christian, I could not be more offended. More...

Five Reasons for the Separation of Church and State February 28, 2005 I am a Christian. My faith is an important part of my life. However, I do not want the government of my country to get entangled with religion. Why not? For five reasons. More...

Berserkers in the Sky February 22, 2005 The word "berserker" has been used to describe a soldier who fights merely to kill – to satiate his own bloodlust. Soldiers can succumb to this condition especially after experiencing sustained military conflict. Some would claim that in the closing phase of World War II, the United State military entered the berserker state of mind. More...

Unholy War: Why Was the Year 2002 Picked to Burn the Catholic Church at the Stake? February 19, 2005 By the 1980’s, sex scandals involving the abuse of minors by Roman Catholic priests had entered the consciousness of the American public. The image of the Church was tarnished by these scandals, to be sure. But the Church was not subjected to the perfect storm of media criticism that came to characterize much of the year 2002. Nothing becomes a media scandal, let alone a major scandal, unless the media moguls so decide. During the Clinton administration, we saw gargantuan scandals arising out of relatively minor matters. Throughout the first term of the Bush administration, we witnessed a great many potential scandals of great significance come and go, without the media so much as batting an eye. So one must wonder why the media movers and shakers decided in 2002 that the Catholic Church must be brought to its knees? More...

What Is Our Narrative? February 13, 2005 George Lakoff, the influential cognitive scientist, has written extensively about why the Republicans are able to dominate political discourse in the United States. Republican ideas are in the ascendancy because the right has mastered the art of framing. They are able to present the issues and conduct the debates on their terms. Progressives have not done well in this regard. Instead of creating their own frames, progressives, says Lakoff, tend simply to argue against conservatives within the context of the right-wing frames, which only serves to reinforce the conservative ideas. But I would contend that progressive thought flounders on an even more fundamental level. More important even than frames is one’s narrative – the story that helps to define the identity of a group of people, giving them a sense of place in history, a sense of belonging in the present, a sense of hope for the future. What is our story as progressives? What is our narrative? More...

Why Was Moore Snubbed? January 26, 2005 Many progressives have written off Michael Moore because he did not support the Ohio recount. I too am angry with him about that, but I still think that Fahrenheit 9/11 should be acknowledged for what it was – a masterpiece of populist filmmaking. So why did the Academy not honor Moore with even a single nomination, let alone one for the grand prize – the Best Picture Award? Any thoughts? The following are some possibilities. Which one is most likely? You decide. More...

The Iraqi Elections Election Results Satire January 23, 2005 Due to the threat of terrorist attacks, the Bush administration has decided to move the Iraqi elections froward from January 30th to January 4th. For security reasons, the Iraqi elections were held in Norfolk, Virginia. Two men, John Smith and Jeff Jones, were handpicked by the Bush administration to vote on behalf of the Iraqi people, because of their close cultural ties to that country. Since Mr. Smith and Mr. Jones voted on Diebold electronic voting machines, they were able to cast 3 million votes for the candidate selected by President Bush to lead Iraq into an unprecedented age of democracy and economic prosperity. Zero votes were registered for the opposition candidates, an indication of the exuberant zeal with which the Iraqi people have embraced the benign, humanitarian invasion of their country now unfolding. More...

Done Reeling? Now What? January 23, 2005 Black Tuesday is over. Black Thursday has come and gone. Dubya is King once more. So now what? Where do liberals go from here? Let’s look at a few ideas. More...

Global Capitalism: The New World Order January 18, 2005 A new world order is being created today, one that is dividing the population of our planet into two sections -- a wealthy few, who control an increasingly larger proportion of the world's wealth and resources, and the rest of humanity, who have less and less, who live and labor under conditions increasingly more inhuman, often amounting to nothing less than slavery. Nations states are losing their sovereignty to international corporations, who have risen above legal systems and governmental structures, emerging as the new Empire, the new rulers of the world. Through structures, such as the World Trade Organization, their authority reaches ever further. Their stranglehold over the planet tightens every year. More...

Three Sure Steps to Victory: How Liberals Can Recapture Red America in a Heartbeat Satire January 17, 2005 Alright, lefties, let’s quit our whining and look at how we can really recapture the hearts and mind of Red America. But first, who is Red America? The South vs. the Coasts? Look at some maps that show the population concentration in the 2004 presidential election. What you’ll see is that John Kerry won every major city, even in the South. He lost everywhere in the country-side. The real divide in America is not between the South and the Coasts, but between the city and the country. And, as we know, American moral values are cultivated especially in the country. So how can the liberals recapture the hearts and minds of the country-side? More...

The Men in Leather Coats January 15, 2005 What are the basic ingredients of democracy? A lot of things. Among them is the practice of free and fair elections – which seems to be in short supply now-a-days in the good old US of A. Another pretty important element of democracy is the concept of checks and balances. Among checks and balances is the somewhat significant idea that government should be limited in its ability to arrest and imprison its citizens – or anyone it might come in contact with. The limitation on arrest and imprisonment is called due process. But what exactly is due process? More...

Randi Is Right: The Democrats Could Have Won on January 6 January 11, 2005 As Randi Rhodes pointed out in her radio show on January 11, the Democrats could have blocked the certification of the presidential election results in the House of Representatives on January 6 – if only they had all shown up and had voted with one voice. More...

Methods of Wealth Transfer November 28, 2004 Back in the 1950’s most of the wealth of our nation was held by the middle-class, who made up the majority of the population. Sounds reasonable, right? Well, not if you’re a corporation. Not if you’re a super-rich guy who wants even more. So how can all that wealth be transferred from the middle-class to the dirt rich? Let me count the ways! More...

Domestic Violence and Our National Policy November 26, 2004 I have been saying for some time now that the Bush administration is exhibiting all of the characteristics of a wife-batterer. National policy, both domestic and foreign, is being formulated with the mindset of a domestic abuser. Let’s look at some of these traits: More...

Hero and Heretic: Reflections on Fahrenheit 9/11 September 28, 2004 The images haunt me. An Iraqi woman wails in front of the rubble of her home, lamenting the death of her loved ones, crying out for Allah’s vengeance upon the Americans. Her screams are juxtaposed with a calm, measured, eloquent Rumsfeld describing the precision, the humanity with which the Coalition of the Willing hits its targets. A dead Iraqi baby is placed into a truck full of corpses. Her father yells at the camera, demanding to know why his daughter had to die. More...

I Awaken January, 2001 On Monday, November 30, 1999, I began to awaken. I got home late from work that night. Only then did I find out what had been happening all day in Seattle. More...