Hillary Unveils Unbeatable, Undefeatable, Unassailable Campaign Platform

by Zoltan Abraham
February 20, 2008

Satire

After a string of stinging losses to her rival Senator Barack Obama, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton unveiled her final answer to all of her critics in the form of a wholly new, wholly original campaign platform. Standing on a red, white, and blue stage in Houston, Texas, with the dulcet tones of “We Are the Champions” playing in the background, Clinton unfurled a banner displaying her new message to our country: “It’s my turn, damn it!”

Speaking to her supporters, she expressed confidence that her words would resonate with the whole nation. “Or at least the states that matter,” she added, with a smile. She quickly lashed out at her opponent, the Senator from Illinois. “Obama should know better. Obama should know that is it MY TURN. We know from his kindergarten dissertation that he has been scheming for the presidency since he was knee-high. But there is one thing he should have learned in kindergarten that he didn’t. He should have learned that you wait your turn. You don’t cut in line!”

Indeed, research by the Clinton campaign indicates that Mr. Obama has been cutting in line ever since kindergarten, and probably even before.

“I have seen this behavior in him from the day he first came to our class,” said one of his former kindergarten teachers, who asked to remain anonymous, fearing the cultlike, revivalist masses of Obama supporters. “One day we had apple turnovers,” the teacher said. “Barack didn’t wait his turn. He cut in line and took the first piece. I knew back then that this would be a problem.”

Ms. Clinton’s campaign has just purchased thousands of TV spots in Texas, Ohio, and Pennsylvania for ads featuring her new campaign message. “People need to understand that it is Hillary’s turn,” said a superdelegate, who has committed himself to Clinton, but has chosen to remain anonymous. “People must realize that Hillary has already worked very hard for the nomination. She stood by Bill during his rocky presidency. She and her husband watched quietly as Al Gore went down in flames and Bush stole the presidency. They gazed on placidly as John Kerry was swiftboated, and Bush stole the presidency once again. Clearly, it’s her turn now.”

When asked to account for ten losses since Super Tuesday, all with double digit margins, in states from just about every part of the country, the Clinton campaign was ready with a stinging reply: “All of the states since Super Tuesday have elitist kindergarten programs. The kindergarteners there are taught to drink lattes even before they write their first essays. They wear sunglasses during naptime. They write for the Harvard Review, without having to cite their sources. Naturally, these states went for Obama. But now, the true will of the nation will become manifest.”

“It is my turn, damn it,” said Hillary to wild applause from her supporters, in Houston. “Get used to it, losers,” she said, looking into the camera, addressing his rival’s supporters. “So just shut up everybody, and let me put my hand on that Bible.”