How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love
Hillary
by Zoltan Abraham
February 15, 2008
Satire
Dear Hillary,
I have learned to stop
worrying and have really come to love you. Yes, you. I couldn’t write
this on Valentine’s Day (because I was off at 5th grade
science camp), but now that I am back, please consider this a belated
Valentine.
After almost eight years of
Republican rule, you are exactly what I have needed. Why? Let me count
the ways!
To begin, Dubya and his
cronies have been masters of voter suppression. They did it in Florida
in 2000, and thereby stole the presidency. They did it in Ohio in 2004,
and stole the presidency again. Now I am just too used to voter
suppression to go through another election cycle without it. And, yes,
the R’s are going to do it again in November, I know, but I simply cannot
wait that long.
That’s why I am so happy
that you came along to save the day. You have heroically tried to keep
college students from voting in Iowa. You have fought the good fight to
keep a bunch of Nevada whiners away from the caucuses too. Of course, in
the end those guys actually caucused for you. But that’s besides the
point. The main thing is that you tried, and I love you for it!
Then there is the racial
card. George W. Bush used racist push polls against John McCain in the
2000 South Carolina primary. Therefore, I was delighted when your
esteemed husband, no other than Bill Clinton himself, suggested that
Obama’s triumph in South Carolina was just a racial thing. Way to go,
Hillary camp! With Bush unable to run, I was beginning to miss Rove’s
antics. Thanks so much!
Also, I was looking online
today and saw some of your new super-negative ads against Mr. B O. Yeay!
Finally! This Democratic campaign has been far too darn nice all this
time. You see, I am used to the Swift Boaters. I am used to Rovian
attack ads. I am delighted that you have brought a sense of excitement
into this race. After all these years of Democrats being hammered by
Republicans left and right, I just need to see Democrats get beaten up
– and the worse they get it, the better! So thanks for beating up on
Obama. I needed that!
Then comes your excellent
superdelegate card. After seeing Bush cleverly snatch two presidential
elections away from the people of the United States of America, I
don’t think I can take an election where the voice of the people
matters. That would just be too weird now. So I am glad that you have
already indicated that if the Democratic Party chooses Obama, you will
simply take the nomination from him with your superdelegates. I need the
continuity. I don’t like quick change. Thanks, H!
I am also delighted by your
spin that those of us who didn’t vote for you don’t matter. Blacks
don’t matter. Caucus states don’t matter. Small states don’t
matter. Red states don’t matter. The morons who don’t vote for you
just don’t matter. That’s good! It’s good, because this is what I
am used to, and what I would most miss in a new world, in which Bush and
his pals don’t create the national narrative anymore. You see, Bush
has been telling us for almost eight years that if we are not with him,
we are with the enemy, that if we don’t follow him, we are just as bad
as the terrorists. I know, I know, you haven’t quite gone as far as
saying that. But you are off to a good start. Keep up the good work,
Hillary!
Plus, I have some personal
reasons for thanking you for telling me that I don’t matter. You see,
I was one of the Washington caucus-goers, and yes, I am sorry to say, I
caucused for Obama. Now, like all the others in the room, I am a yuppie.
I don’t work, because I don’t have to. I’ve got plenty of money to
throw around, and it was a bit inconvenient to come back from my tour of
the tropics, which is how I usually spend my winters, to come to some
dingy Democratic meeting place on a Saturday. I almost didn’t make it,
but I happened to be driving home from a night-club at 12:30 in the
afternoon, so I thought, why not – even though I will lose two hours
of my life that I could otherwise have given over to yuppie pleasures
(upon which I don’t think I need to elaborate!).
The caucus was major boring,
and very noisy, because everyone was talking on their iPhones and
comparing their designer clothes. Plus it was hard to know what people
were thinking, because cool people like us always wear sunglasses.
There were a few of your
supporters, too, dear Hillary. They looked really destitute. They were
the working poor, man! They all said that they took a few hours off from
work without pay, and that their children would go without several
meals, and probably shoes too, just so that they could caucus for you.
But the rest of us just drank our $15.00 lattes and said,
“Whatever!!”
But we caucused, and
caucused. And later we learned that we didn’t matter. Cool! You see,
in 2006, I decided to volunteer on Election Day. I was at some
godforsaken Democratic headquarters at 7:00am, and I spent the day in
the pouring rain canvassing to get Democrats to the polls. My fingers
just about froze. My list of voters started to disintegrate because
everything was so wet. When I was done canvassing, I got on the phone to
call people. Then I stood on street corners waving signs until the polls
closed.
And you know, it sucked. I
was wet, tired, and hungry by the evening, when I could have been
watching one of my yuppie TV shows. But now you have told me that I
don’t matter. Now you have told me that I am irrelevant. Cool! That
means, I don’t have to canvass on Election Day in November this year!
No walking around like an idiot in the pouring rain. No freezing
fingers. No phone banking. Excellent! I am not sure why you think that
this will help you win the general election, but I would never doubt
your wisdom, oh wonderful, oh glorious, oh splendiferous Hillary! You
see, I have learned to stop worrying, and to love YOU!
XO XO XO XO
Your Secret Admirer
PS: All joking aside, I will
vote for Hillary in the general election, if she gets the nomination.
But I support Obama.
